


Permission

by lamardeuse



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-29
Updated: 2010-04-29
Packaged: 2017-10-09 05:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lamardeuse/pseuds/lamardeuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elizabeth gives herself permission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Permission

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for SGA 220, "Allies".

Of course there was an inquiry.  You didn’t come this close to the destruction of the planet Earth without one.  Elizabeth had thoroughly prepared her arguments, lined up all of her documentation and evidence, showing that at every step of the way, her people had made the best decisions, the only decisions possible.

She hadn’t prepared any defense for her own decisions, but then, she hoped that would follow logically.  She was acting on the information provided to her, and that information had been sound, ergo, etcetera. 

Mainly, though, she couldn’t be bothered.  She was so goddamned tired.

She could lose Atlantis, but then she already felt as though she’d lost half of what she’d been when she first stepped through the Gate.

Maybe it was time.

    
    
    
    
 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    
    
    
    
 

  
“What are you doing?”

It took Elizabeth a handful of seconds to process this question, considering it was being asked of her by a scowling Colonel Caldwell as he stood outside her suite at the Colorado Springs Sheraton.  It wasn’t the scowling that was incongruous – that was almost comfortingly familiar – but she’d just gotten used to the concepts of a minibar and room service again when he’d shown up unannounced, and it was a little too much to adjust to all at once, especially after two tiny bottles of vodka. 

She’d never been comfortable with being out of control, but tonight she thought she might like to try it. 

“What am I doing now?” she asked, trying for icy but only managing throaty; vodka had that effect on her, even tiny vodkas.  “Drinking and eating lobster Newburg.  I missed lobster Newburg.  Does that make me an elitist?”

Caldwell’s gaze traveled the length of her body; she clenched her fists.  “How much have you had?”

“One lobster, two vodkas.”

One corner of his mouth fought a battle against gravity and won; Elizabeth felt a powerful urge to punch him, though he was probably fast enough to block it.  “Do you mind if I come in?”

_Yes_.  “No, by all means, come in,” she said, stepping aside to let him enter.  When she had closed the door behind him, she noticed for the first time that he was wearing civilian clothes, an olive short-sleeved shirt and black jeans that were neither tight nor loose. 

Caldwell walked over to the table and picked up one of the bottles.  “If I’d known you were drowning your sorrows, I would have brought you something more substantial.”

“What do you want, Colonel?”

His shoulders straightened at that, tensed, and she felt an odd twinge of regret, because she hadn’t even noticed he’d been that relaxed in her presence.  “I want to know why you’re not defending your actions in your report,” he said softly, back still turned to her.

She careened briefly between indignation and curiosity, and finally settled on the former.  “How the hell did you get access to my report?  I didn’t give a copy to you.”  Landry hadn’t even seen it yet; she was presenting it tomorrow.

He turned toward her and smiled thinly.  “I have my sources,” he said.  “But that’s not important.  Why aren’t you sticking up for yourself?  You’ve always railed against the militarization of Atlantis, and now you’re going to hand it to them on a silver platter?”

“‘Railed’?” Elizabeth parroted, voice rising; Caldwell held up his hands in a _don’t-shoot_ gesture.

“Listen, I’m only trying to say I’ve heard rumors – well, there are always rumors, but this time I’m telling you you’re going to want all the ammunition at your disposal.  For instance, you – ”

“Look,” Elizabeth said, wearily, “I appreciate what you’re trying to do…”

“Do you?” Caldwell murmured.  She looked up to find he was suddenly standing very close to her. 

_Or maybe he’s been that close all along and you haven’t noticed_, she thought.

“…but it’s fine, it’s – I’m aware of what I’m doing.”  _Liar_.

“Then what – ”

“Maybe they’re right.”  Caldwell’s head snapped up at her words.  “Maybe I’m not the best qualified person for this.  Maybe it’s time for a change.”

As soon as the words were spoken, she felt dizzy, nauseous, weightless, impossibly old.  She’d never admitted failure in her life, and now she was admitting it to this man, of all people.  It galled her, called some measure of that spirit she’d carried with her through to another galaxy back into being.  She tipped her chin up.

“At least you’ll get what you've been wanting, Colonel,” she said, voice shaking only slightly.  “At least there’s that.”

Caldwell stared at her for a few moments, then took a deep, fast breath through his nose and closed the remaining gap between them.  The shocking gentleness of his big hands on her face was no comfort; it rattled her teeth in her head, made her body burn and her stomach clench. 

“First of all,” he said, voice rasping over her skin like sandpaper, “you have no idea what I’ve been wanting.”

She sucked in a breath, but there was no air to be had; it had all left her lungs, left the room, left the planet.

“And maybe,” Caldwell said, thumbs tracing slow circles over the edge of her jawbone, “you need to give yourself permission.”

She frowned, and he answered her unspoken question.  “To be human.” 

Elizabeth opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again when she realized she had nothing to say.  She shut her eyes, shuddering under the weight of this, of everything. 

“You’re tired,” Caldwell murmured, releasing her.  “And you’re afraid you’re not good enough.  Believe it or not, I’ve been there, or someplace a lot like it.  But if I know one thing about you, it’s that you’ll hate yourself for giving up.”

Elizabeth opened her eyes and met his gaze; it was as direct as always, but there was something else in it now, something half-familiar but only recognized in this moment.

“Good night,” he said quietly, and let himself out. 

She stood staring at the closed door for a long time, and then she sat down at the table and opened up her laptop.

    
    
    
    
 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    
    
    
    
 

  
Of course there was a party.  You didn’t save the planet Earth from certain destruction without one.  The stars of the show were – rightfully – John and Colonel Caldwell and the crew of the _Daedalus_.  Elizabeth toasted them and then led everyone in a moment of silence for those who had fallen in the defense of Earth, the planet that would never know its saviors. 

The night was warm and humid, and people slowly gravitated outside in small knots of twos and threes.  Elizabeth caught sight of John and Rodney leaning close together, half-obscured by a lilac bush.  She thought about joining them, then vetoed it; they were standing quite close together, and she was loathe to intrude on their moment. 

She turned back toward the hotel and nearly leapt out of her skin when she came right up against the solid wall of Colonel Caldwell’s body.  His hands shot out to grip her bare arms.  “I’m sorry,” he said, releasing her as soon as she was steady on her feet.

“It’s all right,” she said, taking deep, calming breaths.  “I’m all right.”

His eyes smiled, though the rest of his face remained stoic.  “Yes, you are.”  Gazing across the lawn, he nodded at something in the distance.  “How are they doing?”

Elizabeth followed the direction of his nod to the lilac bush, and felt the pit of her stomach give way.  “Rodney’s getting over it,” she said, deliberately ignoring his pronoun.  “It was a pretty traumatic experience.”

Caldwell sighed.  “I saw the look on Sheppard’s face when that hive ship jumped into hyperspace.  He had his ass in an F-302 cockpit about five seconds later.  Let’s not pretend we don’t know what’s going on.”

Elizabeth drew herself up.  “John and Rodney have been working together for over two years.  They’re very close friends – ”

He held up a placating hand.  “Don’t worry.  I’m not asking.  And you don’t have to tell.  I’m just glad they all made it home safely.”

Elizabeth lapsed into silence, once more feeling the incongruity of being here in this place with this man.

“Are you ever going to reveal your source?” she asked finally.

He looked at her for a moment.  “I suppose there’s no harm in revealing that secret.”  He nodded his head at the lilac again.

“John?”  Now _that _was a surprise; it didn’t, however, feel like a betrayal, but like John was in some ways more perceptive than she.

Caldwell nodded.  “He was worried about you.”

“And he sent you to save me from myself?” she asked, incredulous.

He raised amused eyebrows at her.  “Did it work?”

She was annoyed to feel herself blush.  “I feel manipulated.”

“I think the way he put it was, ‘Maybe you’ll piss her off enough that she’ll fight back.’”

This time it was Elizabeth’s turn for raised eyebrows.  “I don’t seem to remember that being your tactic.”

He leaned in slightly.  “I’ve never used tactics on you, Doctor.”

She hesitated for only a split second.  “Elizabeth.”

He nodded almost solemnly.  “Stephen.”

“Stephen.  I should thank you.”

He shook his head.  “No.  I didn’t do it for that.”

She met his dark brown gaze, and she didn’t have to ask him why he had done it because it was there on his face for her to see, and God, it felt like centuries since anyone had placed that kind of trust in her.  They trusted her with their lives because she led them and because they knew she would do everything she could to keep them safe.  But to be trusted with a heart – that was something that could belong only to her, something he couldn’t be sure she would value.  She’d certainly given him no indication before this, and yet here he was, exposed, willing to risk everything.

_Dangerous_, her mind tried to tell her, but she knew it was a lie she’d been telling herself for some time, a lie she maintained out of habit and fear.

And so, because she was, after all, an intergalactic explorer, she said:  “I know,” and this time, she led and he followed.

    
    
    
    
 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    
    
    
    
 

  
“I have to go.”  The rumbling groan vibrated against her collarbone, and she smiled as she slid her palms over his back.

“Yes, you do,” she said, with a mock solemnity that made him raise his head and peer narrowly at her.  “Better get going.”

He leaned down and kissed her, so slowly and thoroughly she felt as though she were sinking into the mattress.  “M'going,” he murmured into her mouth.  Ducking his head, he pressed more kisses to her jaw, her throat, her earlobe.  She sighed happily and tightened her hold on him, suddenly fierce and greedy in her possession.

_Mine_, she thought.  _This is mine_.  She shoved at him with a strength she didn’t know she had and rolled up and over him, straddling his long, sturdy body, relishing the startled and hungry look in his eyes. 

“What will you tell them?” she asked.

“I’ll tell them something unexpected came up,” he said, deadpan, and she started laughing.

“Oh, you are going to pay for that,” she promised him, bracing herself on her hands as she leaned in.

“Fine with me,” he said, letting her come to him as the Atlantean sun rose over the rim of the endless sea.

**Author's Note:**

> First published March 2006.


End file.
